


Shaking Like A

by Onceuponymous



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, M/M, kind-of dissociation, reference to emotional abuse and death, this is my first work be nice please
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-03 04:46:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8697091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onceuponymous/pseuds/Onceuponymous
Summary: Dirk is trying to get better at coping.  He really is.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Luneth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luneth/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Torn Feathers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8502904) by [Luneth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luneth/pseuds/Luneth). 



> Hi Luneth! My first work posted to AO3, and it's an addition to someone else's AU of an AU, which I was the one to inspire. The circle of ridiculousness is complete.

Dirk breathed.Zero.One.One zero.One one.One zero zero.One zero one.

He was breathing evenly, he was calm, he’d eaten today and slept last night, but his heart still fluttered like a butterfly with essential tremor.This park was less than a half mile away from home, how could he be so winded?He gripped the side of the bench and tried to will his chest to stop shaking.

_Probably shouldn’t have messed with it so much._ His heart was different from his Heart, Dirk knew that.Still, days of yanking out… electricity?Essence?Whatever had made it so heavy, seemed to have left… holes.God, he couldn’t find words for this, he was a goddamn wordsmith why couldn’t he get the words.

He could fix this.Cordelia, the healer, had told him some exercises he should do to restrengthen his Aspect.(She had also told him not to exert himself and to stay near his friends, but Dirk never did like staying in the same space for long.Especially when home seemed to have holes in it too.)He wasn’t going to (die) faint again from a few chest quivers, but he could go ahead and get that routine over with for the day.

_Ground yourself.Use your senses, take in your environment.Allow your thoughts to flow, to come and go naturally._

It was cold.The sun was glaring.It smelled like dead grass out here.Different birds were calling, he could identify a bluejay and some crows.A kid several feet away was playing a video game.It might be the new one Roxy was excited about.Had been excited about, she never talked about it anymore.But that could just be because she wasn’t talking to Dirk, she was still furious over the stunt he pulled and cut herself off so she be yelling all the time.He couldn’t blame her; she’d been under a lot of stress lately to keep it together and help all their friends, like Dirk had wanted to but failed miserably at.Now all that fear and desperation and frustration had a target, and even if Roxy didn’t want that turmoil to rise up whenever she saw him, it still happened.It was understandable.

Wait.

Dirk tested. _Roxy is angry at you_.Nothing.He didn’t feel guilty, sad, defensive, anything at all.

…

More testing.

_Jane only interacts with you to make sure you’re staying alive.Once she’s handed you the bowl of soup, she can’t get out of the room fast enough._ He didn’t flood with worry. _Calliope covers her drawings when you walk by._ Mental note to politely keep more distance from her, but no concern. _Jake is back to being as skittish as he was after you disaster of a relationship._ Nothing, stil nothing.

_Eridan is DEAD._ Nothing. _He was shot and was in horrible pain and he died._ Nothing. _You’ll never see him again._ Nothing, nothing, NOTHING!He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t go back to this but he couldn’t get out —

“Are you a Prince or aren’t you.”

The birds weren’t chirping anymore.The kid with the video game was gone.There wasn’t anyone else at the park, who—

“Answer the question, kid.”

An orange hat and a white shirt were in the corner of Dirk’s vision.The voice clicked into familiarity.

“Get.Out.”The first word came out choked and soft, the second one flung loudly out.Dirk wanted to stand, wanted to clench his fists, but his heart was hammering now and he wasn’t certain he could.

“This isn’t about your fucking potential anymore.”The orange and white blurred, and then the man was in front of the bench and looking down at him.“This is about whether it’s all a lie when you say you can play hero.”

(Testing.This man HURT DAVE.Nothing, still nothing, he needed to feel something Dirk couldn’t deal with this when he couldn’t hate him he needed that shield of warinessangerdisgust he— He.He was the one doing this.)

“You get,” Dirk was not going to stutter on this, “Get out of my head.”

The man laughed.“I ain’t doing a thing, little man.”He extravagantly flipped his wrist to show his dull, inactive Aspect mark: the fuschia heart matching Dirk’s.“ ‘Course, it doesn’t take powers to keep your emotions dead if you’re strong enough for long enough.It’d be a helluva waste if _you_ managed it.”

He lies.Dave told him once, his Bro lied and messed with his head all the time.Simple logic.(Why wasn’t he scared he needed to be scared of being anything like him.)

The man hadn’t stopped talking. “You can’t lead.You can’t fight.I thought you could at least protect your little friends once you had the winged freak’s death to keep you numb, but look how well that turned out.”

Dirk stood at that, and the rush of blood made him dizzy.“Why did you come here.”Go away, just say whatever it is and _go_ , he couldn’t be infected by these words if he could just get it over with and forget this.

“Bro” Strider didn’t do any of his idle stretches, glances over his glasses, or fancy hand gesturese that he was known for.He just stood still and delivered.“Princes, we destroy.A Prince of Heart destroys his emotions so he can focus, uses what others feel as a weapon against them.I see you swaying on your feet now, you’re too weak to even stand.You gave up when it got _hard_ when it _hurt_ to not think about yourself for one god damned moment.”Dirk couldn’t remember ever seeing the man this unrelxed, this.Whatever this was.“How are you supposed to keep your friends safe like this?Your family?Your brother?They’re all going to go down, bullets in their backs, because you were too _weak_ to—“

It was before the last sentence that Dirk’s katana appeared in his hand and he lunged.Dirk onlystarted processing his reference to Eridan’s murder after the man had vanished and he’d dove into the ground, his heartbeat gone from flutter to full pounding.He was shaking with anger, or was it sadness?Fear?Loss?All of the above?when he reached for his phone and jabbed the first name on the contact list.He said something like, I need you to come get me, then pressed and before seeing who he’d called.

Ha.Ha haha hahaha ha ha!Brother!Dave!That douchebag had been talking about Dave the whole time!Huh-huh ha ha!Probably even thought that counted as loving Dave.Just.Not fucking wanting him to die!With the blood rushing in his ears, Dirk couldn’t tell how loud he was laughing, or even if it was out loud at all.That asshole!Even Dirk the motherfucking emotionless robot could still love people.That — that —

He couldn’t breathe.He gulped air and got saltwater in his mouth.Dirk felt like he was on the edge of self destructing. 

“Hey, got your call.I’m here.”A hand on his shoulder rolled him over.Dirk, facing the sky instead of the yellowed grass, closed his eyes and cried.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you don’t mind that I gave the random Heart aspect a name. I went with Cordelia because “cœur” is French for “heart”.
> 
> It will be clearer in the next chapter (who knows when I’ll write that lol), but Team Alpha doesn’t really hate Dirk right now, and on some level he knows this. But when his emotions do work he blows it out of proportion, and when his emotions don’t work he’s trying to get a rise out of himself by making everything extreme. They are upset, in many ways, but they are all still talking and still friends.


End file.
